QUOTES, JOKES AND ODD BOXES
Edition 63
ODD BOX
The US designer of the Pringles potato chip tube was so proud of it that some of his ashes have been popped in one of the tall cylinders and buried. Fredric Baur died last month aged 89. He was granted a patent for the Pringles container and the method of packing the curved chips in 1970.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
The victor will never be asked if he told the truth.
Adolf Hitler
JOKE BY JAKE
Where do computers go to dance?
The Disk-o
By Jake Morris
Edition 62
ODD BOX
A Japanese bachelor found a woman had been living in his home for months without his knowledge. The resident of Fukuoka installed a security camera and called police when he saw movement in his house while he was outside. Police found the woman hiding in a cupboard.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of 60 minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is.C. S. Lewis
JOKE BY JAKE
Why did the man give up tap dancing?
Because he kept falling into the sink!
By Jake Morris
Edition 61
ODD BOX
A kangaroo called Toto has been recaptured in Germany after a fortnight on the run when his pursuers laid a trail of peanut butter sandwiches. Toto escaped from a park after vaulting a 4-metre fence. ‘‘We’re going to throw a kangaroo party,’’ said keeper Kai Norden.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
The sky above the port was the colour of television, tuned to a dead station.
William Gibson
JOKE BY JAKE
What do you get when you cross a mummy with a CD player?
Wrap music!
By Jake Morris
EDition 60
ODD BOX
A cat chasing a mouse in Tirana's main power station has been blamed for a 72-hour blackout in the Albanian capital. The electric utility said it took photos of the electrocuted animals to counter criticism of the unreliable power supply. Most shops and homes rely on petrol generators.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Success is that old ABC - ability, breaks, and courage.Charles Luckman
JOKE BY JAKE
What did little red riding hood say when she saw the wolf in her grannies bed?
Granny have you had a makeover?
By Jake Morris
Edition 59
ODD BOX
A man accused of robbing a New Zealand bank told police who confronted him that he had no money, but they heard rustling in his pants and found he had shoved $NZ2000 in cash ($A1640) up his bottom. He pleaded guilty to robbing BNZ bank in Cromwell and was held in custody.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Time has been transformed, and we have changed; it has advanced and set us in motion; it has unveiled its face, inspiring us with bewilderment and exhilaration.
Kahlil Gibran
JOKE BY JAKE
What is a baby’s motto?
“If at first you don’t succeed, cry and cry again!”
By Jake Morris
Edition 58
ODD BOX
Police helping a German man track down a nuisance caller discovered that his tormentor for two years was not a person but a faulty card payment system at a Hamburg hairdressing salon. The system dialled the man in Frankfurt whenever it accepted a card.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
The world is very different now. For man holds in his mortal hands the power to abolish all forms of human poverty, and all forms of human life.
John F. Kennedy
JOKE BY JAKE
Why were ET’s eyes so big?
Because he saw his phone bill!
By Jake Morris
Edition 57
ODD BOX
An English cricket club has reportedly banned its players from hitting sixes to avoid complaints from neighbours. Harrogate Cricket Club in Yorkshire has told players they will automatically be given out if they loft the ball towards the surrounding houses and over the boundary.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
Bill Cosby
JOKE BY JAKE
Why was the bee standing cross legged on the highway?
Because he was looking for a BP station!
By Jake Morris
Edition 56
ODD BOX
A Californian man faces jail after being convicted of smuggling three rare Fiji banded iguanas into the US by concealing them in a compartment inside his prosthetic leg. Prosecutors said the man stole the iguanas from an ecological preserve in 2002.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
The only thing a golfer needs is more daylight.
Ben Hogan
JOKE BY JAKE
How can you see flying saucers?
Trip a waiter!
By Jake Morris
Edition 55
ODD BOX
A Chinese man says he's had the same pet snail for 11 years - and takes it for walks. Yang Jinsen, a migrant worker, found it by a roadside when he was 14. Last year, he married and moved to Dongwan to work: "I got permission from my wife to bring the snail with me," he said.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
I'll be floating like a butterfly and stinging like a bee.
Muhammad Ali
JOKE BY JAKE
Why can’t Robin have a game of cricket?
Because he lost his batman!
By Jake Morris
Edition 54
A man who broke into a funeral parlour in Spain tried to fool police by playing dead. He lay very still on a table used for viewing corpses during wakes, but police suspicions were raised by his scruffy clothes, and his chest rising and falling.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
Lily Tomlin
JOKE BY JAKE
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
By Jake Morris
Edition 53
ODD BOX
An archer has achieved a one-in-a-million feat of marksmanship after splitting one arrow with another. What makes the shot even more remarkable is that Tilly Trotter is blind. The 74-year-old grandmother pulled off the shot, known as a "Robin Hood", in Somerset.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
There is more to life than increasing its speed.
Mohandas Gandhi
JOKE BY JAKE
What smells worse than a skunk?
A fluffy bunny!
By Jake Morris
Edition 52
ODD BOX
New Zealand's independent TV channel Alt is calling for applications for a female news anchor to front a naked news bulletin to screen nightly from late April. Applicants should have "no inhibitions . . . showing their 'assets' in front of a large news hungry audience", the channel said.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
No amount of experimentation can ever prove me right; a single experiment can prove me wrong.
Albert Einstein
JOKE BY JAKE
Why did the gum cross the road?
Because it was stuck to the chickens foot!
By Jake Morris
Edition 51
ODD BOX
A nursing home in Düsseldorf, Germany, has put up a fake bus stop to avoid confused dementia patients from wandering off. Patients spend a few minutes at the phantom bus stop before forgetting they were trying to get home, after which a carer helps them back inside.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
Galileo Galilei
JOKE BY JAKE
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
Take away its credit card!
By Jake Morris
Edition 50
ODD BOX
A 76-year-old New Zealand woman was buried after a drama in which her body was snatched from a hearse by estranged family members who wanted her interred elsewhere. Police declined to intervene because "body snatching is not against the law" in NZ.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
If you have ten thousand regulations you destroy all respect for the law.
Winston Churchill
JOKE BY JAKE
What did the astronaut say when he found bones on the moon?
“It looks like the cow didn’t make it.”
By Jake Morris
Edition 49
ODD BOX
A man in Pasco, Washington, went to extreme lengths to take a sick day off work, asking a friend to shoot him in the shoulder. Daniel Kuch claimed that he had been the victim of a drive-by shooting, but his friend who fired the gun was arrested and Kuch faces false-reporting charges.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Poetry is what gets lost in translation.
Robert Frost
JOKE BY JAKE
What happened to the wooden car, with wooden wheels and a wooden engine?
It wooden go!
By Jake Morris
Edition 48
ODD SPOT
Florida Elvis impersonator Frederick Denmark, 47, is all shook up after being charged with fraud by Tampa police. He falsely told people his house had burned down so they would stage a benefit concert. No one checked to see it was unscathed and he pocketed $2000 from the gig. He can now expect to sing Jailhouse Rock.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
John F. Kennedy
JOKE BY JAKE
What did the bug say when it hit the window?
‘If I had the guts, I would do it again’
By Jake Morris
Edition 47
ODD BOX
For people who want to clean their floors in the dark - a vacuum cleaner with headlights. Electrolux has been assigned a US patent (No. 7,328,479) for a light on a cleaning attachment, which can illuminate dust, dirt or debris in dark corners or under furniture.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Nationalism is an infantile disease. It is the measles of mankind.
Albert Einstein
JOKE BY JAKE
What goes up but doesn’t go back down?
Your age.
By Jake Morris
Edition 46
ODD BOX
Motorists in Torreon, northern Mexico, who are caught applying lipstick, shaving or carrying a pet at the wheel will now face hefty fines - 346 pesos ($36) - as police try to cut the number of traffic accidents in the city.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
All my life I have tried to pluck a thistle and plant a flower wherever the flower would grow in thought and mind.
Abraham Lincoln
JOKE BY JAKE
What is a mad flea called?
A Looney-tick!
By Jake Morris
Edition 44
ODD BOX
A Spanish driver who collided with a cyclist is suing the dead youth's family for $33,323 for damage the impact caused to his luxury car, a Spanish newspaper reports. Tomas Delgado, who has faced no criminal charges, wants another $10,000 to cover car hire while his Audi A8 was repaired.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
This film cost $31 million. With that kind of money I could have invaded some country.
Clint Eastwood
JOKE BY JAKE
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
Holes all over Australia!
By Jake Morris
Edition 43
ODD BOX
Thousands of Hong Kong people have signed up for a service that enables them to monitor the movements of their spouse by mobile phone. The service, "Follow Me, Follow You", offers unlimited spot searches to track a person's location from their mobile phone signal.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
Billy Connolly
JOKE BY JAKE
What do you call a fat vampire slayer?
Puffy!
By Jake Morris
Edition 42
ODD BOX
British schoolgirl Lucy van Amerongen, 13, has written a guide to teenage slang after her parents complained they couldn't understand her. Her guide includes 300 words such as "antwacky" (unstylish), "cotch down" (sleep), "rago" (OK) and "zip" (yob).
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.
Mother Teresa
JOKE BY JAKE
Why couldn’t the sailors play cards?
Because the captain was on the deck!
By Jake Morris
Edition 41
ODD BOX
Christmas trees grown in pots need not go thirsty even if householders fear leaks from an arboreal centrepiece. An Indiana couple was this week granted a US patent (No. 7,308,920) for a tree-watering funnel, designed to avoid spills from overwatered trees and other indoor plants.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
Buddha
JOKE BY JAKE
Why don’t elephants get rich?
Because they work for peanuts!
By Jake Morris
Edition 40
ODD BOX
A couple from Kentucky have married in a public toilet with the bride's gown made from glue, tape and toilet tissue. They held the ceremony in lavatories in New York's Times Square. The intricately detailed dress was designed by the winner of the 2007 Toilet Paper Wedding Dress Contest.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Dolly Parton
JOKE BY JAKE
Why did the teacher wear such dark glasses?
Because she had such a bright class!
By Jake Morris
Edition 39
ODD BOX
A Christmas card featuring a drawing of Santa Claus and a young girl was mailed to Ethel Martin of Oberlin, Kansas, in 1914. It has just arrived, 93 years late. Post office officials are mystified where the card, apparently originally mailed to the now-dead Mrs Martin by cousins in Alma, Nebraska, has been.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.
Michelangelo
JOKE BY JAKE
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a plane?
A Jumbo jet!
By Jake Morris
Edition 38
ODD BOX
Mickey Mouse (Signor Topolino) and Donald Duck (Signor Paperino) have been summonsed to appear as witnesses in the Naples trial of a man accused of peddling counterfeit toys and decals bearing images of the pair. The summonses were sent to Walt Disney lawyers.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Humour is just another defence against the universe.Mel Brooks
JOKE BY JAKE
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
Because it wanted to get to the bottom!
By Jake Morris
Edition 37
ODD BOX
Naked calendar fund-raisers are not new for junior soccer team Ancaster Athletic in Lancashire, England, which published a male calendar this year. It recruited Nora Hardwick, 102 next week, as Miss November for the 2008 calendar. She posed draped in a pink scarf behind a pub bar.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
We, therefore, here in Britain stand shoulder to shoulder with our American friends in this hour of tragedy, and we, like them, will not rest until this evil is driven from our world.
Tony Blair
JOKE BY JAKE
Why did the lobster laugh?
Because the sea-weed!
By Jake Morris
Edition 36
ODD BOX
New Zealander Elliot Nicholls has broken the world blindfolded texting record by sending a 160-character message in 45 seconds. The text was: "the razor toothed piranhas of the genera serrasal musand pygocentrus are the most ferocious freshwater fish in the world, in reality they rarely attack a human".
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Government is not reason; it is not eloquent; it is force. Like fire, it is a dangerous servant and a fearful master.
George Washington
JOKE BY JAKE
What’s the difference between a TV and the newspaper?
You can’t swat a fly with a TV!
By Jake Morris
Edition 35
ODD BOX
South Korean researchers have given a robotic pet the attributes of a koala because of the marsupial's perceived laziness. Senior researcher Sohn Joo-Chan said: "If you choose a dog robot, people will expect it to act like a dog. But the motors are not good enough for that."
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
I have a love interest in every one of my films - a gun.Arnold Schwarzenegger
JOKE BY JAKE
What petrol station does a snail use?
Shell!
By Jake Morris
Edition 34
ODD BOX
Passengers on a German train mistook a sleeping Halloween reveller dressed as a gore-covered zombie for a murder victim. Believing his hands and face were blood smeared, passengers called police. A first-aid team cleared up the confusion and told the man to remove his make-up.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Friendship... is not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything.
Muhammad Ali
JOKE BY JAKE
What has one horn and delivers milk?
A Milk Truck!
By Jake Morris
Edition 33
ODD BOX
A Russian cockroach has given birth to the first creatures conceived in space, scientists in Russia say. Although they eat and drink well, microgravity conditions may have had an impact on the natural darkening of their chitinous carapace, part of a cockroach's exoskeleton.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.John F. Kennedy
JOKE BY JAKE
What kind of doctor does a ghost go to?
A witch-doctor!
By Jake Morris
Edition 32
ODD BOX
A driver in Croatia wrote off his car when a plane landed on top of it. Mario Kamber suffered minor injuries when the light aircraft made an emergency landing on the road and hit the top of his car as it came down. He braked, but lost control and skidded into the side of the plane.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
JOKE BY JAKE
What’s a pea’s favourite sport?
Friz-pea!
By Jake Morris
Edition 31
ODD BOX
Sibu the orang-utan has miffed his Dutch keepers at Apenheul Primate Park by refusing to mate with female orang-utans and showing sexual interest only in tattooed human blondes. The tattoo fetish harks back to a heavily tattooed keeper who reared him.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Information's pretty thin stuff unless mixed with experience.Clarence Day
JOKE BY JAKE
Why did the boy throw toast out the window?
He wanted to see butter-fly!
By Jake Morris
Edition 30
ODD BOX A man accused of snatching another's false teeth from his mouth during a bar brawl has been charged with robbery. Robert Stahl, 62, from Indiana allegedly put Billie Townsend, 56, in a headlock and took his dentures. "He said, "You ain't getting these back,'" Townsend told police.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
If liberty and equality, as is thought by some, are chiefly to be found in democracy, they will be best attained when all persons alike share ingovernment to the utmost.
Aristotle
JOKE BY JAKE
What do you get if an elephant sits on your friend?
A flat mate!
(Pretty obvious)
By Jake Morris
Edition 29
ODD SPOT
Seven-year-old Finley Collins, of Florida, thought her 30-centimetre bearded dragon might be giving birth when she noticed a protrusion near its tail. Her father rushed the pet to an animal hospital, where a veterinarian pulled out... an 18-centimetre toy lizard.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
I would rather entertain and hope that people learned something than educate people and hope they were entertained.Walt Disney
JOKE BY JAKE
Why is Cinderella a rotten footballer?
Because she has a pumpkin as a coach!
By Jake Morris.
Edition 28
ODD BOX
Tractor fan Wolfgang Mueller, 65, drove his 44-year-old Massey Ferguson MF35 machine on a 1126-kilometre pilgrimage from Stuttgart, Germany, to the factory where it was made in Coventry, England - only to find it had been knocked down years ago and replaced with a housing estate.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.
Walt Disney
JOKE BY JAKE
What do you get if you put a shark in the snow?
Frost bite!
Courtesy of Jake Morris
Edition 27
ODD BOX
A New York state woman held a garage sale but mistakenly sold, for 50 cents, a ceramic turtle containing the ashes of her husband's previous wife. Anita Lewis is now desperately searching for the buyer, who she said planned to use the urn as a biscuit jar.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Some people are so afraid do die that they never begin to live.Henry Van Dyke
JOKE BY JAKE
Why did Wally get fired from the banana factory?
Because he threw out all the bent ones!
Courtesy of Jake Morris
Edition 26
ODD BOX
A talkative Israeli motorist found himself up to his knees in trouble when police caught him talking simultaneously on two mobile phones while driving in central Israel. His hands otherwise occupied, he was gripping the steering wheel with his knees.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
I think it's fair to say that personal computers have become the most empowering tool we've ever created. They're tools of communication, they're tools of creativity, and they can be shaped by their user.
Bill Gates
JOKE BY JAKE
Why couldn’t the bike stand up?
Because it was two tyred!
By Jake Morris
Edition 25
ODD BOX
They are flush with pride in Chongqing, China, where a recently opened porcelain palace features an Egyptian facade, soothing music and more than 1000 toilets spread out over 2787 square metres. Officials claim the free, four-storey public loo is the world's largest and seek Guinness World Records recognition.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
We all have big changes in our lives that are more or less a second chance.
Harrison Ford
JOKE BY JAKE
Why did the jelly bean go to school?
Because he wanted to be a smartie!
Courtesy of Jake Morris
Edition 24
ODD BOX
Anita Rachel Thomas, 20, tried to escape from jail guards in Las Cruces, New Mexico, using baby powder, cocoa butter and six pairs of socks. Removing the socks, she was able to wriggle out of leg irons and handcuffs lubricated with butter. She threw powder in the face of a guard but he recovered to catch her as she ran away.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
He that is of the opinion money will do everything may well be suspected of doing everything for money.
Benjamin Franklin
JOKE BY JAKE
What the mayonnaise say to the fridge?
Close the door, I’m dressing
Courtesy of Jake Morris
Edition 23
ODD BOX
A Florida man awoke with a severe headache and asked his wife to drive him to hospital, where doctors found a bullet lodged behind his right ear. On this discovery, his wife fled from the emergency room. She was later arrested, having admitted she shot him while he slept
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
If you hear a voice within you say "you cannot paint," then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.
Vincent Van Gogh
JOKE BY JAKE
How do you get a baby astronaut to go to sleep?
You rocket!
By Jake Morris
Edition 22
ODD BOX:
Some 29,000 rubber ducks are set to wash up on Britain's shores after a 27,000-kilometre journey. The bath toys were set adrift in the Pacific after a container washed off a cargo ship in 1992. Stamped "The First Years", they have been tracked across the seas of Japan, Alaska, Iceland and Canada. Collectors pay up to $A1200 for the toys.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
Buddha
JOKE BY JAKE:
What did the bird eat for breakfast?
Tweetbix
By Jake Morris
Edition 21
ODD BOX:
Britons accidentally flush 885,000 mobile phones down the toilet each year, according to new research. The phones fall out of pockets or into the toilet after being placed on the toilet-roll holder.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty. Anyone who keeps learning stays young. The greatest thing in life is to keep your mind young. Henry Ford
JOKE BY JAKE:
What do you call an ape covered in lemon and sugar?
A meringueeatang!
Courtesy of Jake Morris
